The past couple weeks have shown me the greatest and worst parts about having cancer. Unfortunately, there is absolutely no in between, no grey, just black and white; it is a real blessing or it is pure hell.
Let's rewind about three weeks ago. I was on top of the world, cancer wasn't getting me down. On top of my weekly chemo's great things started happening. Our story went viral and people kept wanting to give and give to us. For a week straight it was incredible blessing after incredible blessing. But, there's always a downfall, and I was to naive to see. People got mad, for one reason or another, over all of this new found "glory". Everyone wanted a piece of it, and they didn't care how much they hurt me in the process. By the start of the second week, I was broken. Everyone wanted to tell me what to do, but wouldn't allow me to follow that advice. No one was listening to me anymore. Everyone wanted to argue and get mad at me for things beyond my control, no one wanted to actually be there for me. It seemed the world came crashing down around me in an instance. I couldn't believe that on top of having cancer, I was experiencing the absolute worst in people around me as well; it added insult to injury.
I am struggling. How can I be so blessed and be in hell at the same time? I have always been able to rejoice in my sufferings, as it says in Romans 5:3-5, but for all of this good and bad to happening at the same time in literally driving me insane. I hit rock bottom with all of this today. I cannot live in this hell while God is trying to tremendously bless me; and I won't allow anyone to try to keep me in it any longer. If you are a supporter of mine here's little note from me to you.
Listen up folks, I have a bad kinda cancer . . . like, I am on the "Oh shit, you have that" spectrum of cancer, not the "Oh good, we got this" one. I know this isn't easy. I wouldn't wish what you are going through on anyone, but, are you the one with the cancer? No, you're not. So guess what, you have to suck it up when you are around me. Treat me like me, plain old me, but do me a favor, also handle me with care. Maybe I should get a sticker for that? If I want to stay busy, let me stay busy. If I need someone to tell me what to do, I'll talk to my doctor. If you are neither my doctor or my mother, keep it to yourself. I don't care what you think about my cancer, or who you know that had cancer, let's get this straight: I WILL DIE AS A RESULT OF THIS CANCER LONG BEFORE I SHOULD. Let's remember that. Let's also remember this is MY CANCER, not yours. Contrary to popular belief, you are NOT the center of my universe right now. I will not respond to every message, text or call you make to me. While I greatly appreciate each one, I am finding it impossible to properly juggle my life right now. While I was once an excellent juggling circus act, I am more like the bearded lady side show freak now and you MUST get used to the "new me". You can't judge my cancer or how I handle it. That's why it's mine, and not yours. If you want to judge, get some cancer and then we'll talk. Oh, you don't want cancer? Yeah, neither do I.
Don't ruin things for me, hell, lie to me about how you feel if you think it will piss me off or bring me down. Talk to me more gently, word things differently. I am not saying to treat me as a child, but I am like a 80 year old pregnant woman right now: I ache, I am sore, I am tired, I am worn, I am self conscious, I am moody, I am hormonal and I am unsure. Think about how you would treat an old lady or a pregnant woman, and that's how to handle me. Go out of your way to make things special for me, I'm just sayin' but I'd probably like that. We don't know when my "lasts" will be, so why don't we act as if they all are? If I ask you to do something, suck it up and do it, chances are, knowing me, I never ask you for anything anyway so one thing will not kill you. I have always been the independent strong, silent type, but now being surrounded by my family and friends means a lot to me, understand that very quickly. If you can't try or won't try to do any of this YOU will be the one with regret at the end of this journey, not me.
The One with Cancer