The Next Chapter

It has been almost 7 months since my diagnosis. I start my 8th cycle of treatment- 20th round of chemotherapy, 22nd Herceptin infusion; and my 8th shot of Xgeva. Even though every cancer patient is different, most average 6-8 cycles of chemotherapy. I can't help but think, if I wasn't such an overachiever with everything, I would almost be done with this journey. Alas, I am not, a metastatic Stage IV Breast Cancer patient receives chemo until there is nothing else to try. So . . . it is on to the next chapter of my life.

I go for weekly treatments, three weeks on, one week off. I peal myself out of bed every Thursday sick to my stomach, and make the 45 minute drive to Oakland. I sign in and wait for my name to be called. I go back to have my vitals taken and my weight checked (I have gained nearly 30lbs since my diagnosis), and then to have my port accessed. Which, if I forget to put numbing cream on, is not very pleasant. I sit for 2 hours while the toxins invade my body trying to kill the cancer. Most times, it is the only time Steve and I get alone anymore. I get sicker each time I go, and feel the energy sucked out of me. I usually have to sleep for hours when I come home.

I am just tired of it. I have taken to crying like a school aged child who doesn't want to get on the bus before we leave the house. I don't want to go. I want it to be done, but it's not, and it never will be.

8th Thankful Thursday: Ain't Nobody Got Time for That

Welcome back to my 8th edition of Thirteen Thankful Thursdays!

Before my diagnosis I lived in a virtually connected world. I was attached to my phone, computer and iPad most of the day. I was a Co-Founder, President & CEO and also a Division Coordinator at a very successful nonprofit organization. I was answering e-mails, organizing, planning, and creating about 8 hours of every day strictly volunteer. I loved what I did/do, but found that spending so much time at the computer ultimately was taking away from my family. I found myself obsessing over checking social media and emails to make sure I didn't miss anything but in reality was missing out on something far more important; my family. I realized one thing after my diagnosis, as the great Sweet Brown once said: Ain't nobody got time for that. 

The internet, Facebook, Twitter, emails, I don't have time to be glued to the screen of devices all the time. I decided shortly after that the world can wait on me, because my kids are my world. 

I urge you this week to put down your phone, iPad and computer more. If you are in the same room as your kids or partner, don't get on your devices. Go out to eat, and leave your phone in the car. Play a game with your kids instead of playing Candy Crush (that one is really for me). I'm not saying to give them up completely, I am just saying spend less time worrying about having to be on social media and the internet, or respond to every email within 2 hours. I feel a like a better spouse and mother after spending less time in a virtual reality and more in my own. Remember this, the world will keep moving and spinning, you can wait on the world; but to someone else, you are the world so give them that time back.

Don't forget!
Share your Thankful Thursday missions with me by hashtagging #thankfulthursday on Facebook (YES! FB has hashtags now!), Twitter or Instagram!

7th Thankful Thursday: Surprise Your Kids

Welcome back to my 7th edition of Thirteen Thankful Thursdays!

The look of excitement on my kid's faces gives me a feeling unlike any other. Grace is normally my strong, silent type but she'll cry over something that astounds her. She seriously cries happy tears when I do something to surprise her. Lily will cry sometimes but she loves to run up to me, give me the biggest hug and scream "I love you, Mommy!". Stephen is still grasping what excitement is but he likes to follow in Lily's footsteps and just scream.

I think surprising your kids not only reiterates to them how much they are loved, but it also gives them incredible memories of their childhood. Even though the girls are only 4, I hear all the time "Remember when we did this Mommy?". They love surprises and I love surprising them.

Sometimes I have things planned and just do not tell them, and sometimes I just fly by the seat of my pants. I like making everything out to be as exciting as possible. And why not? Why not surprise your kids with over the top activities or adventures every now and then? What if the memories I give them today are the only memories of me they will remember? So I need to make them good ones. Life is short, or haven't I already told you that?

This weekend, be thankful for your kids. And if you don't have kids- be thankful for the kids in the world. They are our future and a wickedly awesome childhood will make not only make their future great, but the worlds. So get out their a surprise a kid.

Don't forget!
Share your Thankful Thursday missions with me by hashtagging #thankfulthursday on Facebook (YES! FB has hashtags now!), Twitter or Instagram!

6th Thankful Thursday: Let Go

Welcome back to my 6th edition of Thirteen Thankful Thursdays!

I would have never imagined that nearly 7 years after I lost Shannon, in the midst of the struggle for my own life, that her sign, the ladybug; would make perfect sense. 

The story of Shannon & Ladybugs started when I first found out I was having a girl, my Mom bought Shannon a ladybug bank. Steve and I were always filling it up and having to empty it out. Shannon was born in January. It had been a mild winter thus far but started snowing while we were in the hospital with Shannon. It snowed the day we buried her, and it kept snowing. Two weeks after we buried her, I was getting out of the shower, and there on the counter was a ladybug. I knew it was her. I knew she was sending me a sign. I continued to see ladybugs that first year when I needed it the most. I never really knew there was any spiritual meaning behind the ladybug until about two weeks ago.

I was shopping with my friend, Steph. She wanted to buy me a ladybug bracelet and a butterfly bracelet. The ladybug one in memory of Shannon and the butterfly one in honor of her own daughter, Shelby, who survived the same birth defect Shannon died from. When we bought the bracelets, the girl handed us cards that had that had the meaning of each charm. The ladybug card read:

Legend has it that the ladybug was named for the Virgin Mary who assisted farmers once they prayed to her. Keeping fields safe from harm, the ladybug evokes the energy of harmony. A ladybug's life is short. It teaches us to release worries and to enjoy experiences to the fullest. A messenger of promise, when the ladybug appears in our lives it is telling us to "let go and let God."

Steph and I broke down. I never knew the symbology behind the ladybug until then and I couldn't believe she waited almost 7 years to show me. Shannon sent me the ladybug as a reminder that even though her life was short, like the ladybug; everything would be okay. I just needed to let go and let God work His promises and miracles. 

Consider this your ladybug sign of the day. I want you to let go of one thing that is holding you back from truly and honestly living a peaceful life. Before you know it, life could be over, so let go and live.  

Don't forget!
Share your Thankful Thursday missions with me by hashtagging #thankfulthursday on Facebook (YES! FB has hashtags now!), Twitter or Instagram!

5th Thankful Thursday: Don't Complain

Welcome back to my 5th edition of Thirteen Thankful Thursdays!

When something bad happens in your life, whether it be the mundane or the tragic, people complain. Complaining is human nature. Some do it more than others, and some take it to the far outer limits of the universe. I, for one, was never much for complaining. It just wasn't something in my nature. You'd never know I was sick, or injured- I just didn't complain. I was never one to constantly complain when someone upset me, when life didn't go my way or when challenges faced me. I just never have seen the point of it really. 

My life took a great turning point when Shannon died. I seen life differently, my eyes widened. I kissed a precious, new life goodbye. I seen death; it changes you. During this time, I noticed something. People complain. A lot. Like, way more than they should. I'd pray that I could have the chance to complain about life's minuscule details like them. 

One thing that drives me absolutely bonkers is the insignificant complaints I see and hear daily. Some people wish they had your complaints. Seriously. Want to complain about your sore back? I'll switch you backs. Want to complain about being pregnant? I would love to have that chance again. How about complaining about how much you/your partner work. Um, do you know how many are without jobs? 

What's the sense of complaining then? The challenge this Thursday is simple and is this: I want everyone to go a whole 24 hours with absolutely, positively NO complaining. Not once. No cheating. 

I see these helpless kids, brave men and women battle cancer and go through chemo's, hair loss, surgeries, radiations, medical procedure after procedure and do you know what I see? A smile. For everything I have gone through in this journey so far, and what I will go through, I just smile. Complaining is a negative reaction to an event in your life. Negativity causes stress, and stress makes you sad and angry. And who wants to be sad and angry? Not me! So this challenge is dedicated to anyone who is battling cancer. When you want to complain the next 24 hours, think of one of us and remember that no matter how bad you have it, someone always, always, always has it worse and would gladly switch you places.

Don't forget!
Share your Thankful Thursday missions with me by hashtagging #thankfulthursday on Facebook (YES! FB has hashtags now!), Twitter or Instagram!

4th Thankful Thursday: Slow Down

Welcome back to my 4th edition of Thirteen Thankful Thursdays!

My Dad is a Marine (you are never an ex-Marine, were a Marine or used to be a Marine) and he always ran a tight ship at home. We did things when asked, not "in a minute" or even the next day; we were never late for anything and we always needed to get things done in a timely manner. Of course as I grew up and became a Mother, I found myself being more scheduled than I ever thought I would be. I kinda had to though, being an actual first time Mother to twins was tough! I felt the only way to keep sane was to have a strict schedule that was stuck to. It grew harder as Stephen was born, and I had to become accustomed to taking care of myself and three little human beings at the same time.

As the kids grew and started pre-school, running to therapies and appointments with Stephen, I found myself always rushing. I was always yelping at them. "Hurry up, we're gonna be late". "Let's go, we'll be late". "If we are late, you are in a lot of trouble". I was always rushing them, telling them how we would be late, even though we never were. And one day, while getting dressed, Lily said to me "Mommy, are we going to be late?". My heart sunk. I felt as if I failed as a Mother. I had made my child believe that we couldn't take our time, that we always were rushing. Everything I did, I rushed. Driving I would speed past other drivers to get to my destination even though I had plenty of time to spare. I would rush to get crafts done, afraid I wouldn't finish on time. Rush, rush, rush. And life, it isn't about rushing. 

Cancer taught me that lesson quickly. I will never forget driving to get Stephen to therapy one day after I was diagnosed and I was speeding and it was making me angry. Then, I had an epiphany, why am I rushing? I wan't running late, and even if I was, who cares! So, I slowed down, pumped the music through the van, put the windows down and started singing with the kids. 

I don't want my kids to grow up feeling rushed. I would feel as if I robbed them from the innocence of truly stopping to smell the roses. I am done rushing. The world can wait on me, the world can wait on you. The challenge is this: slow down. Don't rush. Drive in the slow lane, don't use the words "hurry" or "lets go"; don't set deadlines, if your child stops to notice the beauty of a butterfly- let them instead of worrying how you might miss something because you took an extra 10 minutes to waste time. You will never get a moment back like that to watch your child in all their purity. Enjoy every single millisecond of your life.

This is an ongoing challenge, just don't do this one day, do it everyday. 

Don't forget!
Share your Thankful Thursday missions with me by hashtagging #thankful on Facebook (YES! FB has hashtags now!), Twitter or Instagram!

3rd Thankful Thursday: Smile

Welcome back to my 3rd edition of Thirteen Thankful Thursdays!

Did you ever notice that making someone smile is one of the best feelings in the whole world? I have always loved making people smile. Whether I was doing Austin Powers impressions as a kid or watching a NICU parents face as I handed them gifts from Project Sweet Peas, it was a feeling down deep in my sole that I craved.

I love a good old fashion genuine smile nowadays. They say a lot about smiles; they speak a thousand words without saying one, they are infectious, it is a language of peace, it is an action of love, and even E.E. Cummings wrote that twice he has lived forever in a smile.

Smiling is awesome. Smiling gets me through these days. So do me a favor, go make someone smile today :)


“Smile at each other. Smile at your wife, smile at your husband, smile at your children, smile at each other- it doesn't matter who it is- and that will help to grow up in greater love for each other.” -Mother Teresa

Don't forget!
Share your Thankful Thursday missions with me by hashtagging #thankfulthursday on Facebook (YES! FB has hashtags now!), Twitter or Instagram!