Friday, March 29, 2013

Cancer vs. Hope, Faith and Love

Cancer is not only a literal life sucker, but metaphorically speaking, it also tries to suck out all the good in your life. Especially the main ingredients of your soul- your hope, faith and love. It's much like the devil, testing you at every turn. Will you break? Will you falter? Yes, of course you will get off the beaten path every once in awhile, but like in my last blog post, if you have your life perspective in order you will be able to get back on track to kick cancer's ass!

Cancer vs. Hope - ROUND ONE, FIGHT!

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Like the words of Superman, Christopher Reeve, "Once you choose hope, anything is possible"; I believe that once I decided that there was hope for whatever it may be that happened, my existence widened. It has not be an easy to accept this, but I believe I finally made it there.
After I suffered my miscarriage after loosing Shannon I had no hope in my future as a mother. The mere thought of it seemed like a dream, until my dream came true. I still lacked a sense of hope that my life would be what I wanted it to be. Through all of the trials and tribulations of Stephen's health, I had little hope that life would be good enough for me. Once I was diagnosed with Cancer, hope left me completely. How could you have hope when you find out you will die sooner then what you wanted? Well kids, I learned something, life is not in my hands. I should not have been hoping that I would make a good life. I should have had hope that God's plan was what was best for me; and it was, it truly was. It took Cancer to give me that hope in Him. I win.

"In the busy highways of life, hope is believing you will make it to the serene country rode." - Yourssss truly

Cancer vs. Faith - ROUND TWO, FIGHT!

Oh, I couldn't tell you how many times in my life I have completely lost my faith. I just didn't understand why God would chose to do these things to me, nothing made sense. It wasn't fair. It wasn't how it was suppose to be. I won't lie, I hit rock bottom in my faith about 2 years ago. I stopped going to church, I stopped reading the Bible, I stopped listening and stopped learning. I just didn't care. The past 2 years have also been the lowest in my life. I felt completely overwhelmed, depressed and full of anxiety. If you really knew me, you could see it. I just couldn't have faith in someone who continuously tested me, hurt me and let me down. How can you?
I was diagnosed on a Friday, that Sunday we were at church. I needed to be there. I wanted to know why. I never did find that answer, but I found something better that day: my faith. I now pray every day for forgiveness for not having it the past couple years. I remember laying in the bed one night after my first chemo, crying hysterically, in so much pain; I wanted it all to end right then and there. I can't really describe to you what happened that night, but I got quite the wake up call from God. I just remember starting to praise Him and had an immediate relief of my pain. In the lowest moment of my life, there He was. He has restored my faith like nothing else short of a miracle.
I am not saying I don't get upset, and yell and scream and cry and just wish this would all go away. I am human and I have a temper like nothing you have ever seen but I have faith. God has restored my soul because I have faith in Him. He continues to bless me every single day. This battle has been won.

Caner vs. Love - ROUND THREE, FIGHT!

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

I don't know what is tougher than loving someone that is dying. I have personally been there when my baby girl, Shannon, was dying. It was an overwhelming range of emotions: anger, love, heartache . . . It is actually indescribable. Steve stayed with Shannon as the nurses drew her ventilation tube out. He brought her in to me, as perfect as could be. All I could do was cry and hold on to her as tight as I could, as she drew her last breaths. Even though I whispered to her that it would be okay to go, that I would be okay- I lied. I didn't want her to leave. I didn't know what I would do without her. I loved her too much. This must be how my husband feels now.
Cancer is just like grief on many plains, including how it affects marriages/relationships. Most do not withstand the test of Cancer (like grief), and I now see why. I cannot imagine what my husband is going through. I literally cannot fathom it. Since we are both trying to take care of ourselves and each other it has taken a toll on us. Yeah, we get angry, we yell (well, I yell) and we fight- I don't really know how one could make it through our situation looking like the pinnacle of a perfect marriage. When I said I would take him as my husband six years ago this past Sunday, to have and hold, from that day forward, for better, for worse, in sickness, and in health, until death do us part- I never meant words any more than the ones I spoke that day. We continue to get tested, but Cancer ain't got nothing on us. We have to remember that we are greater than this. Consider this battle won.

My dearest Steve,
I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough.
I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up. 
Happy anniversary my love.

And the declared winner is: ME! Cancer can have my body but it will never have my soul.

Notes from Cancerland: Day 2 post chemo was a tiring one! There were no side effects other than my rash starting to act up from the Herceptin. I took the day to nap and relax. Day 3-5 Post Chemo were incredible crazy busy days! I ache by the night's end and just want to sleep. I am trying to do so much, but its only because overall I feel great. I have been having very crazy mood swings, and I am not sure if it is related to the new medication or not. Some days I feel incredibly overwhelmed by everything. My hair is falling out something fierce and my bald spots are getting bigger every day. I 'celebrated' my 2 month cancer-versary on March 25th- holy crap I can't believe it's been 2 months!