Notes from Cancerland: A special update

I am coming to you straight from Cancerland. A detestable glorious place full of tests, weekly chemos, vomiting  bone aches, chronic pain, fatigue unicorns, butterflies, sunshine and beautiful flowers.

Yesterday's day started off like any other normal Chemo Thursday. Get up at 5am, get a shower, and be out the door by 545 to try and miss some traffic. The morning ritual of listening to the Bubba Show on 100.7 to help to ease the anxiety by the hilariousness was a success as usual. I got in right away to have my IV placed, and just waited with the hubs to go back and talk to the nurse practitioner.

Since I am becoming more fluent in Cancerese, I had my Cancer Chronicle binder full of fun questions. I figured I knew everything about my diagnosis, but we were in for some not-so-great surprises.

My questions started off by asking if I could fly since Steve and I's Cancermoon is T-minus two weeks away. Check! I can fly.

Next, I moved on to natural medicines and herbs that I can take to help relieve some of my water weight and, augh, blockage, shall we say. Check! I can take all that goodness.

Then I moved my way to the new language I have started to speak quite fluently if I say so myself! We started talking about tumor marker numbers, tumor sizes, and locations- you know, all that fun stuff.

The day started to go downhill when she started saying how they found three tumors in my thoracic spine. Well now, I was under the assumption of A tumor there, and A tumor in the lumbar, which equals two I was aware of- not three in one place. Shocker numero uno.

She started to talk about how there was 'activity' of tumors found in my right ribs. Shocker numero dos. She also said that I do have a large tumor in my liver, but that is benign. Don't get all excited on me though, she went on to say how instead of one large malignant tumor on my liver, it is speckled with immeasurable cancers throughout the liver. Great!

I asked her for a copy of my reports so that I could read over them, which she gladly printed out. She assured us that even though this is news to me, that it doesn't change anything. They are already aggressively treating my cancer, so me just finding this out is really no big deal. But, it is to me.

After that great chat was chemo. See, aren't I glowing? Thanks photo editing app, Beauty Booth!

Watching Ellen always makes for a great chemo time!

About ten minutes before I finished up chemo, I started reading over my reports. Bad idea. 

'Tumor activity found in right humeral head.' What in the world is that? Google, humeral head. Hmm, shoulder. Tumor in my right shoulder now. Continue reading, 'through lumbar, in to pelvis'. Oh, really? My pelvis, too? I think I need to ask someone about this.

Back came the nurse practitioner, and sure as shit, what I was reading was true; cancer in both breasts, right humeral head (shoulder joint), speckled through liver, right side ribs, three places in my thoracic spine, through lumbar in to pelvis. Well now, happy chemo day to me. 

Again, she reassured me that this wasn't changing anything they were doing. They already knew, it was just me that didn't. It pretty much sucked, and that is me putting it super, duper nicely. 

I must keep my faith. I am worn, I really am. Every day seems to be a new struggle. There is no better song then Tenth Avenue North's 'Worn' to describe how I feel.

Mathew 21:21 says "Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done."

I am reminded daily of every single blessing in my life, though. I have to remind myself that even though some days are hard, and I struggle- my cancer is a blessing in disguise.

Thank you, God, for all you give me, good and bad.