Sunday, May 18, 2014

Wherever You Are

I have had this feeling of impending doom. Seems morbid, I know. I can’t really explain it. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop, I guess. All around me lately is other women, some younger than me, dying. Taken too soon by metastatic breast cancer. It’s crazy when I really think about the time I have left here on Earth, because frankly, when you have terminal cancer- ya can’t help but think about it sometimes. If I’m lucky, I’ll live 20 years with this disease, but I will only be 50. I will get to see many things that the kids accomplish like graduating high school, and going off to college but I will miss their budding future. Chances are I will never see one of my grandchildren and more often now it hurts my heart to see grandparents interact with their grandchildren because I know it will more than likely never be me. As this wretched cancer would have it, I estimate I have 5-10 years left. There’s just too much in my bones, it will spread further at some point. It’s just so hard to see a future that has me in it.

Part of this ominous perception is in part due to my overall current health. I am sick. And I am so sick of being sick. Every day I am nauseated to the point of being drove in to my bed, unable to move for hours. I feel like I have a rock of acid in my stomach and it hurts so bad that it brings me to tears. I have diarrhea 7-10 times a day every other day, no matter what I eat or don’t eat. And if I am not going to the bathroom, I feel like vomiting. I thought to myself the other day, “This must be what the end feels like”. It’s no way to live. Tis' the life of a metastatic breast cancer patient: ups and downs, happy and sad, sick and not. 

It was the worst on Mother’s Day. Of all days for it to happen, a day I want to bathe in the love of my family- it had to happen that day. I spent most of the day sleeping and in bed. Steve had to put the kids to bed and Stephen fought him so hard. He cried and cried for me. “But we have to sing our song” he cried. And then I heard what would break my heart in two; my 4 year old son singing our song by himself. “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.” We sing this together every night because I know one day I wouldn't be able to sing it and I want him to have that memory . . . always.

It’s as if I am prepping my children, subconsciously, for life without me. Because one day the time will come but I don’t want them to be sad. I want them to remember how much love I had and always will have for them; and that nothing even death can take away my love. 

I wanted you more than you ever will know
So I sent love to follow wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf.
You'll never outgrow stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...climb up to the sky!
My love will find you. My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!
My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...
if you're working...or playing...or sitting with friends.

You can dance 'til you're dizzy... paint 'til you're blue...
There's no place, not one, that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely, or someday you're sad, 
or you strike out at baseball, or think you've been bad...

Just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the the smell of the sea...
in the clouds floating the top of a tree...
in the sound crickets make at the end of the day...

"You are loved. You are loved. You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide and so deep,
it's always right there, even when you're asleep.

So hold your head high and don't be afraid
to march to the front of your own parade.

If you're still my small babe or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you is you're never alone.  

You are my angel, my darling, 
my star...and my love will find you, 
wherever you are.

~ Nancy Tillman