Thursday, January 10, 2013

1/10/13

I barely slept last night, my dreams were filled with things that may be. Most of the dreams I was alone and angry. I fought with people yet always by myself. I would wake up and think, "What if this is bad and I won't see my kids grow, what if they are raised without me?" I was crying myself back to sleep. I just cannot help but think the worst. All the arrows are pointing towards C. The estrogen, the tumor in the lymph node, the tumor in the breast- it all equals C. 

I woke up early and just laid in bed and thought. I remember when I was pregnant with Shannon; after we found out she was sick that I couldn't see her beyond her in my womb. I couldn't see a future that she was in. Sadly, I feel the same way about this. I don't know that I actually can see my future, I don't see me ever going to grow old with Steve, and frankly, I don't know if I ever did see that. I don't see the kids growing much farther beyond these young years. I don't see me going on our dream vacation to Hawaii. That scares me. If my intuition about the future was right once, will it be again- or am I crazy? I just don't know anymore. I don't know if I am crazy. I thought I was crazy for thinking that the mass was a clogged duct, and now, I feel crazy thinking it's something more again. Although, when I felt crazy the first time it turned out to be worse anyway. These next 2 weeks will drive me insane.

More and more signs make sense to me now, the pain in my upper side that I thought was just the bra, the tingling and numbness down my arm, the color changes in my breast, it all adds up. Maybe this is why I have not been able to shake this cough from last month? Maybe the white blood cells are trying so hard to fight the C that they are having trouble fighting off other infections?

I did awake with a new look on life. I am now so afraid of leaving the kids that I overdid everything today. I made marble colored pancakes, sausage and Steve was so sweet and made us eggs. I pretty much gave them whatever they wanted. I tried harder than normal to not discipline and yell at them.

I really just want to hide for the next 2 weeks. Unfortunately, I have so much to do that it just isn't possible. Again, surgery seems inevitable, benign or malignant; so there would be a lot in my life that would need prioritized and balanced. Survival is the only option.

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