Monday, January 21, 2013

1/21/13

It's the eve of my biopsy at 140am. Obviously, I can't sleep. I spent the night enjoying every little tiny detail of my life. I drug my feet leaving the kids at my Moms. I cried as I left for the first time ever. I didn't want to leave. What if that would be the last time I dropped them off at my Moms as a 'healthy' person? I took a long bath tonight and just laid there. I just lay in the tub and played music; like I used to when I was younger. I wanted to remember what it was like to just be in a tub, alone and at peace.

I have such an overwhelming feeling that I have cancer. It's incredible. I have never thought something was so wrong with me before. I have had this feeling that something would go wrong before . . . with her . . . And when I lost the other baby. I knew, from the bottom of my soul something was wrong with those pregnancies. I just knew.

I can't get out of bed, I can't function, I don't want to be around anyone but my Mom. I yell and scream, I fly off the handle. I don't want to respond to people, answer calls, or even see the computer. Being alone, it consumes my thoughts with things I need to treasure. I again, remember this. It's depression, it's anxiety. I felt it after she died.

Stephen, who still doesn't talk very well, says to me, "you are gonna be okay forever now Mommy". I sure hope so buddy, I sure hope.

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