Friday, January 11, 2013

1//11/13

I slept much better last night, even though I only slept about 4 hours. I am angry today and have been picking fights with anyone about anything. I have been yelling hard core at the kids today. I said a lot of things to Megan I should not have, but, I needed to. I needed the fight; I needed to think of something besides this.

I am depressed. I want to believe that I am just over exaggerating. I want to believe that I made some of this story up. I want to believe that I just want people to feel bad for me and am just saying things that are not true. Am I? Am I making this up? I don't think, but I am so messed up, that I don't know.
My mind is racing, it won't stop. It's all I think about. I wish I would have made the biopsy sooner. Maybe I should call and change the date. But I don't want to deal with it next week. I want to be in peace next week. As much peace as a mom celebrating the birth of a child that is dead can at least.
I can relate to Mommy more than I thought I ever could, she really does know what I am thinking.

I told the girls' pre-school teacher today, holy crap, she had me there for 40 minutes. If I wasn't worried, I wouldn't be making these arrangements. She was very, very helpful and offered to do so much, and that there are so many people who she knows would step up.

I also told my therapist today. She just cried. Because seriously, why would God do this to me of all people? Me, who has already been through hell and back? Augh......

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