Keeping My Eyes Above the Waves

It’s been a crazy past two months. Steve had his surgery in late November and did great. It was really nice having him home for the holidays. I spent the month of December focusing a lot on the kids. Stephen turned 5 and we had a big party for him. Followed it with tons of Christmas activities and prepping. We had a superbly blessed Christmas. I was in awe over the twinkle in each of my children’s eyes for the magic the time of year brings. Everything was made good again. My marriage and motherhood seemed stronger than it has been in years. 

January brings up many emotions for me. Not only was Stephen scheduled for surgery but I had my first mammogram and breast ultrasound in January- my biopsy, my diagnosis; it’s also the birthday of a daughter who is no longerwith me, and her “angelversary”, along with memories of her funeral and burial . . . oh,  and it’s mine and Steve’s birthday. That’s a whole lotta crap to deal with in one month.

Stephen’s surgery went great. He was hospitalized for a couple days and discharged home. He healed up quick and has been doing great after his liquid-only diet. He is now on soft foods now and can have solids again in a month. We have been very busy with genetic appointments and follow up appointments with him. He has many tests and more appointments in the spring.

I had my scans at the beginning of the month as well. Everything was stable- no regression and no progression. I do have some gallstones, which could be drug induced, and may need my gallbladder out if I have another attack. The compression fracture in my back is possibly pinching a nerve down to my foot and makes it hard to walk. I am loading up on more medication to help with that. Since putting me back on chemo wouldn’t really do much of anything, I am still able to continue my break from chemo- it’s been one year and I love it. I go every couple weeks for my maintenance infusions, which help keeps my cancer at bay. I still deal with the perfuse swelling of my optic nerve as well and will follow up with that doc soon. I am going to be getting another port and have been working with the dermatologist to help rid my body of any staph that may have been lingering after my repeated infections. I feel okay though. I definitely am still not how I used to be, but, I am slowing accepting the fact that I won’t ever be that go-get-it person again.

It’s been 2 years since I was diagnosed. The average survival rate for a woman my age with advanced breast cancer is 18-24 months, and a less than 15% chance of surviving 5 years. I am officially on borrowed time. I am happy to be around another year and yet absolutely scared shitless to see what the next year may bring.

I’ve been asked before if I am “over” different things. Am I “over” the death of my daughter, “over my diagnosis”, am I moving on from grief and cancer? Honestly, no, I am not over or moving on from anything. I am living through it. I have been living through it since she died and since I was diagnosed. There’s no other way. 11 other months out of the year I am fine. I can do okay; my grief isn’t raw, it doesn’t consume me, but it still lives within me. And when January comes, I cannot help but suffer through those moments all over again. January makes me question so much. I cannot understand why I was chosen to walk this path.

It comes down to one thing: trust. Do I trust in God enough to know that all things will work out for the good? Can I trust that I don’t have to worry, just pray? I won’t lie, when the ocean’s rise, it’s hard for me to keep my eyes above the waves and focus on Christ. But the minute I take my eyes off of Him, I sink. I try though, I try so hard. I get so shaken, and I feel so worn. I try to make sense of it all. There has to be a reason, after all. At least that’s what everyone always tells me. There’s a reason it happened, and only the Lord knows; but I want to know why. I can hear Him telling me to just trust and not rely on my understanding; to stop trying to figure out the chaos. He reminds me I have strong roots, the waves and wind won’t break me. Sometimes I hear loud and clear, and it’s a great feeling, but sometimes I can’t help but doubt the plans. And you wouldn’t know what that’s like unless you have walked in my shoes and have experienced these kinds of tragedies. You have no idea how I pray for peace so that my faith doesn’t have to suffer or have an ounce of doubt. It’s so damned hard some days . . .

I turn 31 today. I’m here another year. I am extremely thankful to be here still. My next year I plan on fixing my eyes on my relationship with Christ, loving on my hubby, spoiling my babies and crossing some things from my mommy bucketlist. I won't get over anything, I'll continue working through it.

Appointments, Tests and Scans- Oh My!

It’s been a pretty tough week over here. After Easter, I basically had an appointment or scan every single day of the week.

The week kicked off with my Neuropthamology appointment to assess my optic nerve swelling (papilledema). Chemo and the tumors in my spine have caused a buildup of spinal fluid which caused intracranial pressure and swelled my optic nerve double what it should have been. I suffered from severe migraines, loss of vision and floaters. After a couple tests were done I was happy to hear that my swelling has significantly decreased. While the optic nerve is still swollen, it has not been causing loss of vision and the migraines and floaters have almost reduced in frequency. 

Kate: 1 Cancer: 0

Next, were my scans and ultrasound. It was a pretty hectic day. Apparently someone did not schedule my tests accordingly and I ran 1-2 hours behind for every test I had.  We walked to the darkest depths of the fourth corner of the hospital. Seriously, it’s like in Timbuktu of the hospital. First was my CT scan and, not to toot my own horn, but I am pretty sure I set an all time barium drinking time of 12 minutes. My schedule was put even further behind when 2 patients needed STAT CT scans so I sat and waited for nearly 2 hours. My test went off without a hitch. I swear the dye gets hotter every time I get it. I just sing real loud in my head “THIS GIRL IS ON FIREEE!” I headed up for my MUGA scan in Diagnostic Imaging after I finished up at CT. Since I was running so far behind, they were able to squeeze in my injections but not my scan so I had to go to the top floor of the hospital in the Cardiac Unit for my scan. Easy peasy test, but, since they are not able to de-access my port back down DI I went. Needless to say, I was getting quite the workout. I walked back down for my pelvis ultrasound and just waited a little bit to go back. It is incredibly weird looking at an ultrasound screen and not seeing a little baby moving around in there.  Good thing to hear was that the cyst on my left ovary diminished and only a super small one was found on my right. And it’s just that: a cyst, no cancer. 

Kate 2 Cancer 0

I checked in with my Radiologist the next day. I am happy to reports that the side effects from radiation are finally wearing off! I have my appetite back and even feel more energized. The doc isn’t concerned considering how well I am doing now. I finished up all of my medication and have not had any further ‘incidents’. My pain has notably subsided. I can walk, I can sit, stand, lay- I feel almost 100% again! I have little bursts of a shooting pain, but it’s no longer a constant. I don’t have to check back with him for another 6 months. 

Kate 3 Cancer 0

Last I met with my Endroconologist who keeps a close eye on my thyroid. My blood levels were good and my ultrasound was perfect! No growths, no cancer! 

Kate 4 Cancer 0
Looks like I am kicking ass in this fight right now!

Now, I won’t know the results of my other scans until I meet with my oncologist this Friday. I will also have my Herceptin infusion and a shot of Xgeva for my bone mets. But . . .  I got a feeling . . . it’s all good in the hood! 

Grace through me for a loop when she became sick over this past weekend and ended up having strep throat again and an ear infection. Poor girl is so very sick so I will be taking care of her for a couple days. I am hoping I can get started back to my workouts. I am so close to my 20lb weight loss! Half way there!

Hopefully, I will be blogging over the weekend about how well my appointment went and that we will be planning surgery soon! 

Mon Valley Relay for Life

I was really excited when a friend asked me if her son and his friends could form a American Cancer Society Relay For Life team in my honor! Since the past month has been so hectic, I haven't had a chance to post about it yet and it's in 2 weeks! Hard to believe it's almost May!

Every day, the American Cancer Society provides free information and services to cancer patients throughout their journey. The organization is investing in crucial research to prevent, treat, and ultimately, cure all cancers. The ACS has played a crucial role in educating me through my journey. Their services have helped us a great deal.

Please consider joining 'Team Kate' at this year's Relay for Life, Friday May 2nd at Charleroi HS Soccer Stadium. Opening Ceremonies start at 10am. Registration begins at 4pm and the Survivors kick off the relay at 6pm.

If you cannot join us for the Relay, I ask that you each donate to our team. The Relay for Life is the largest not-for-profit event in the world. Meaning, all of this money is used for research and services!

Also, if you or a loved one has been affected my cancer, you can also purchase a luminary to be lit at the Relay and the donation will go to our team's goal.

Click on the link here to get started!