1/25/13

 
I forgot what it was like to have your eyes hurt so badly from crying that they burn. I forgot the feeling of them being so swollen and red until today.

I started to feel my stomach churn around 10am so I called to see if my labs came back. I got a call back from the nurse around 1130. I have joined the fight against cancer.

Invasive (I cringe at that word) Ductal Carcinoma. She wouldn't really give me a stage but guesses preliminary it was stage 2, grade 3, and spread in my lymph nodes.

I just cried, what else can ya do when do when someone tells you that you have a potentially fatal diagnosis? Your mind goes somewhere, to a dark place.

Telling the kids was hard, they just didn't understand. We told them during lunch that Mommy was very sick. And Lily asked if it was because of my boo-boo's (from the biopsy). I told them that Mommy was going to lose her hair and be bald like Daddy. They understood that a lot better, and just said "really, mom?" I think they will probably cry when they see my hair. Hair, to them, means you are a girl; so if I lose my hair, and they know I am a girl,what does that mean? My family took it well when I called, although, they have no choice. I think they were expecting this. It's always me that calls with bad news. Although, I am sure they broke down at some point.

It sucks learning this on Steve's birthday. Aughhhhh. What a horrible day.

I know I will beat this. I know I will, but, this fight is going to suck, and I wasn't really looking for this battle. I won't lie, I have asked "Why" a thousand times over. I don't want this fight; I don't want to be strong. I am so sick of it. Didn't I prove how strong I was when He took my daughter, or when I lost my second precious baby, or when the girls were in the NICU, or when He tried to kill Stephen and I, or when Stephen was in the hospital forever, or when I was told Stephen wasn't developing correctly and needed therapy 6 times a week plus braces? I have been strong. I don't want to be anymore! I am tired. I am so tired of what this life throws at me. Why can't things come easy for me like they do for other people who haven't endured a single thing in their life? What exactly is the purpose of this? I have done everything He wanted me to do. He took my 2 kids; I turned it around, created a beautiful organization, helped thousands upon thousands of families through that work, and then this. Maybe I am sick of helping families; maybe I don't want this lesson to help any more people. But He knows me too well, He knows it's not my nature. He knows I will turn this around and help more. I suppose even if I inspire one woman, it's what He wanted. But He doesn't understand, that burden, that duty, it's really not one I want.

After we put the kids to bed, I was hungry; Steve and I didn't eat well, so Steve said he would go to the store for me. I thought it was cute, it was like I was pregnant and craving something at the store and he was willing to go out in the snow to get it. I chuckled and said, "Oh you just need to get more chew, huh?" He looked at me and said, "I am quitting, I am not going to chew while you are fighting cancer . . ."
Wow, he said it. I started crying, he said it. The words came out. That hit me harder than a ton of bricks. I'm 28, and I have cancer. Holy shit.